[My] Personal Energy Audit (pg. 104)

I have been feeling low.  However, I can't quite put my finger on what it is that I feel low about.  My life is beautiful.  I am healthy, I am discovering new delights in a new country, I have a degree from an Ivy League University, I have a slew of impressive employers and films, I have a wonderful partner, a great family, awesome friends.  Am I just ungrateful or a pessimistic Debbie Downer?
I open Beyond Intellect to page 105 and what I read about is my "bank of personal energy we can call upon in the pursuit of what we want...". There are four types of "accounts" that you can access throughout different parts of your day and for different interactions.  Susan suggests that "to establish a substantial, full, rich, and abundant inner core you must learn to redeem your inner calmness and peace by seeking time to muse and dream, to contemplate, to learn, and to uncover and discover the forgotten, the disowned, and the disused aspects of yourself."
I close my eyes and imagine meeting my "best future self" in the safety deposit vault of my bank.  We each use our key in the locks and slide the metal box out onto the table. We sit down.  Future self is looking calm and self assured.  Current self is looking more apprehensive, hesitant and scared of being wrong. 
I open the box and the symbol I see is "a glowing, illuminating light.  It is yellow and white and emanates from a strong core. There is no sound, but it is so bright that it feels present.  It also feels warm but is only light, so it doesn't burn".
What this symbol means to me is that I need to just be me and not worry about it (easier said than done).  That old hymn "This Little Light of Mine"comes to mind straight away.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel? No!
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? No!
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? No!
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

Shine all over

[name of town]

I'm gonna let it shine
Shine all over

[name of town]

I'm gonna let it shine
Shine all over

[name of town]

I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

 

Speaking of "being the change"...

After weeks of not blogging, I have heaps to say.

I've never been good at patience, so, I thought, I'll just go for it now.

I have a horrible, horrible secret to share.

When given the opportunity, I will watch hours of E! entertainment television.  It is so awful.  I watch these trainwreck of television shows that just exploit people, or show people being dumb or nasty to one another.  I also like to read this website called DListed. The guy is so clever and funny, but it talks about famous people I don't really know about (since I haven't lived in the States for seven years) and I still check it out (wtf!?!).

I am stuck in a Catch 22. I watch this crap (or read it) and give fire to the industry that spits out these awful vapid people.  Then, I think about my young nieces and nephews, and the children of the world, and realise that this is potentially their inspiration.

I'd like to see some stories about real cool people coming out from network television.  People who have aspirations to get a higher education, or make a positive difference to the world.  People who can serve as roll models for the next generation.

I need to turn that crap off.  Stop having conversations about it.  Stop buying it.

Change happens by action, including and ESPECIALLY THROUGH MONEY.  If CEOs, Board Members and shareholders can't make money off of their bad taste ideas, then it will stop the madness.

What do you think?

Ripeness

I had an opportunity to be Master of Ceremonies at an event commemorating the 1 year anniversary of the earthquake in West Sumatra that took so many lives, and damaged so many buildings.  Without thinking, I took the gig.  I really am craving the opportunity to "perform" in front of people.  So, albeit a bit of post agreeing apprehension, I knew I could do it.

The night before the event, I had some alone time, so I decided to consult my Osho Zen Tarot cards, and the card I chose was RIPENESS:

Commentary:

When the fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree by itself. One moment it hangs by a thread from the branches of the tree, bursting with juice. The next moment it falls--not because it has been forced to fall, or has made the effort to jump, but because the tree has recognized its ripeness and simply let it go. When this card appears in a reading it indicates that you are ready to share your inner riches, your 'juice'. All you need to do is relax right where you are, and be willing for it to happen. This sharing of yourself, this expression of your creativity, can come in many ways--in your work, your relationships, your everyday life experiences. No special preparation or effort on your part is required. It is simply the right time.

I definitely thought this was a great metaphor for where I'm at in life.  I'm 30!  I can do anything and everything!  I don't need to be scared or shy or innocent. I can own it and just let it all happen and come to me because the time is right, and I'm right here, right now - RIPE & READY!

So, the event was awesome.  H came too, and we got to meet some really wonderful folks, and we had the opportunity to network.  I had a great time guiding the day's event, and I was really lucky because the speaker's were all informative, which made my job easy for wrap-ups.  I had some good advice from my Mom and Anti, and a mate of mine, B who is an excellent speaker himself told me to get some anecdotes from the community to share. (Thanks Mom, Anti, B and also Mom's group for your good wishes!)

One of the most powerful things I learned from people in the community, is that when the big earthquake came, the fear made them panic, and they forgot all the good things they new to do (like look for clear space, protect their head, get out of the house).  They all just kind of froze.  The other disturbing thing I learned, was that in looking back at the earthquake, the people feel that people lost their humanity.  When the earthquake happened it was only about "survival of the fittest".  Hardly anyone helped the old lady or assisted the mother and child.  I think those are two of the saddest things I learned from listening to people.

It is a true metaphor though.  When fear grips you, you do panic, and it often takes some time to remember your humanity; because all you can focus on for the moment is yourself.

I've come to love two quotes over the years.  The first is from Ghandi and it is "be the change you want to see in the world" and the second, I think is from the Bible and it is "many hands make light work".

Thanks for checking in and apologies for the long pause in blogging.

Here are some photos from the event.

XO,
RIPE & READY Sara

Open the Book. See what it says.

Lots and lots of unknowns right now.  I guess that is the epitome of living, but I knew a time when there were lots of knowns.  The majority of the life I have lived thus far is still made up of being a child/teenager and having limited choices and planned out decisions.  When I was growing up I knew there was summer vacation, then school, then break, school, then summer vacation again.  I knew that I would graduate, and I would go to Columbia, and all these amazing things would happen and my life would start.

I'm well into "my life has started" and I just don't really know what I am doing with myself.  I look online for jobs for me but everything looks so not for me.  I know what I want, and I know what I don't want, and I just don't know how to get it.  So I resign myself to "letting it find me" but that is not a comfortable space.

Okay.  I'm going to open Beyond Intellect now.  Here is what I opened to:

Page 132, An Equal Partnership

I actually started reading on the next page where it said, "Yes to life, yes to love, yes to adventure.  Then the next thing I know, the person whose mouth you jumped out of is crouched in a mangled mess under the covers whimpering and calling my name..."

An Equal Partnership is about Yes and No and boundaries.  I actually think I am really good at saying Yes and No. And, if I'm unsure, I usually go for it anyway and say Yes, and then if I don't like it then I say No.  I don't have a problem with being loyal to myself.

I think we live in a world where most people have a problem being loyal to themselves. So, a person works long hours at a job and misses their children's school activity day.  Or a person turns a blind eye and works for an unethical company. Or a person finds an area of their heart where they can lock away their dreams one by one, with either no intention to visit those dreams again, or with a lie that they will try again... one day.

Top 5

I think top 5 annoying things about living here are:

1. Women and men grabbing at me to touch my white skin.  I don't really understand why they keep doing this.  I have been living here for weeks, and word has spread like wildfire that I am from NZ.  Regardless, I keep getting manhandled and I still don't like it.
2. Having "BOOLAY" shouted everywhere you go.  I realise that I'm different from everyone here, but I guess the thing about being a global traveler is that for me, I long to "blend in".  I want to be a part of the community, and be seen as just another person walking down the street.  When the kids and adults point and shout "BOOLAY!" it makes me realise how I am not one of them and I can never be.  That realisation bums me out a bit, because when it comes down to it I do think we're all the same.
3. Getting charged 3 times what locals get charged.  I get stressed out about this the most because H and I worked really hard to get rid of our debt, and save money while we were preparing to live in Indonesia for 6 months. We're well into our careers, and we have goals and dreams and hopes, and a lot of that takes money.  It is hard to understand if someone wants to know you for you, help you to help, or because they want money and for you to pay for them.  Life is heaps cheaper than in NZ, but we aren't making any money, and we aren't getting any financial support for our work.
4. Not being fluent at the language. I hate having limited ways to communicate with people. It makes me feel claustrophobic, inept and stuck.  I am trying to pick up words and phrases, and I study the language every day through podcasts, but I still find it difficult without the structured learning of a class.  I also dislike the idea of being a typical English speaker and just expecting everyone to speak English to me.
5. Having to wear pants and t-shirts all the time even when you are swimming.  I hate not having the freedom to wear whatever I like, however I like to wear it.  In NZ, I really hate wearing suits and boots, and prefer jandals and jeans and clothes that make me feel good.  Here I always wear the same sort of thing.  And on Sunday when we went swimming for the first time, I was waterlogged from swimming in the same clothes that I was wearing.

Top 5 awesome things are:

1. Having the ability at this time in my life to spend 6 months with my partner, volunteering in Indonesia is awesome.  We learn more about each other and get to share lots of really special moments together.  I don't think many people get to do this because of career, children,  commitments, fear.  It is a really wonderful time in our lives that I feel very privileged to experience.
2. I want to be a famous actress, and I also want to work in the NGO/Not for Profit/Helping people sector.  I'm really tired of big business as what I've found is that there is a huge lack of humanity. I am lucky to be able to take this time, and think more about what I want to do, and get some experience working for an NGO.  I've volunteered all my life, but that has always been on the side.  This is now a full time gig.
3. I'm stoked to be learning new things through language and culture.  Indonesia is such a vast and amazing country.  There are so many ethnicities within Indonesia, and so many ways the people express themselves culturally.  The food in Pariaman is known for being spicy... and it is delicious!  The language here is called Bahasa Minang, and it differs from Bahasa Indonesia.  I love learning more about people through food, language and culture.  And I love having those "WOO HOO!" moments when you can express yourself effectively in another language.
4. Right now, the kids in the neighbourhood and my next door neighbour are godsends.  The kids are just so lovely and protective and inviting.  They check in to see if I'm around to play, and I love it.  Kids are just the best.  So free and sweet and kind.  My neighbour is a sweet heart too, she has an 18 month old baby, and she's just really lovely and comes over to have a chat.  I feel really stoked about where we are living and the community.
5. I'm loving getting to help people.  I don't feel like I am using my full ability at the moment, but I am doing what I can do.  Hopefully as the weeks go by, the team will involve me more and more. 

Kids in the hood

We live in a really sweet little community with lovely children.  Most days you can hear them come by our house and say "Missus Sahara! Where are you?".  Sometimes we come out and they run away, mostly they just hang around.
The past few weeks have been school holidays, but we only moved in last week.  I didn't have much time to play, but this morning I made some time to hang out for a few hours.
They have my phone number which they use often just to say hi.  It is very cute, but I rarely get to sleep in now.  They are so lovely though, how could I sleep in?

Composting hope

There is a lot of rubbish in Indonesia.  On the sides of most streets, you can see mounds of coconut husks, plastic, food and paper, piled into little clusters.

It seems that there are certain days for burning rubbish.  I don't know which day that is, but it is just awful.  The smell of burning plastic is one of the worst smells ever. The vapour sticks in the back of your throat and makes your eyes water.

These photos are of a pile of rubbish that is along the street that runs perpendicular to my home.  The photo on the right shows the burnt/charred/melted/still intact mess that is left behind.


I've been looking up information to see if there are any recycling centres in West Sumatra (I can't find any but if you know of one, let me know!).  Even if there was a recycling centre, most of the plastic they use (including the thin black plastic bags everywhere) aren't suitable for recycling.  Just about everything comes in these plastic bags.  They do give rice in banana leaf (duan pisang) parcels, but everything else gets bagged.  I want to help contribute to Pariaman being clean and better than when I arrived, so I bought some reusable containers so that I don't have to use these bags too often.  Today I bought some fabric as well, and I am going to make some bags.  I already have big reusable bags, but sometimes you need a smaller size.  I will definitely post my creations (warning: I am impatient with sewing, but I do think it is pretty fun).

The one thing I know I can do to help minimise the trash is to compost.  I started one at work last week, and I bring all of our organic materials to compost when we come into work.  I am hoping to make some good soil and maybe plant a few vegetables.

Our home

We moved into our home last night.  The great thing about it is that it is clean and new. 

There are 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. The electricity is still being fixed, but it is ours, and it is lovely.  Now we just need to get some furniture.

I don't really want to get "stuff", but I would like to make it nice.  We still have to buy a stove so that we can start cooking!

 UPDATE: We've been living in the house for the past week and a few days now.  We still don't have stuff... but I took photos of my walk back home.  Here we go!

From the main road, you make a left.  On my way I saw some new little friends.

I walked along some more, and could see what I think is Mount Merapi (a different one from the one we climbed a month ago).  The clouds around the mountain were stunning and I felt stoked to have such an awesome view to see.

On another day, I was walking and saw some more amazing cloud formations.  I love the colours of the bright BRIGHT white against the sunset shades reflecting off the other clouds.



After walking along that dirt road, you make a right onto another road.  This road looks like this. The group

of yellow houses in the middle left of the frame holds one of the homes that we live in.

After walking along this road, you make a left and see this sweet little road:

And here is our home at the end of the road and in the daylight!

Checking in - Defining What You Long For (pg. 29)

The other day I needed to check in.  Nothing is wrong, I just needed to regroup and have some me space.  So, after we got home from a day trip to Padang, I sat in bed and opened up to page 29 of Beyond Intellect.
After reading the first page I thought that opening the book to that page was just perfect.  Because of time and distance over the past 12 years, I haven't been in one of my mom's classes but I have heard about the I Am and I Am Letting Go statements over my entire lifetime.

So, I decided to draw whatever images came to me.

For my I Am statement, this is the image I received:

"I found this shell while walking along my sacred beach.  The reason why I found this shell is because she is beautiful, is opalescent in colour and represents opulence.  In the sun she glistens like a pear.  I see so many hidden colours in her and if I just sit and watch her, she opens up and shows me more.  There are many layers to my shell.  The outside is soft and beautiful, and when I turn the shell around to the other side,  I see many compartments.  I don't know what animal used to live in the shell, but I know it was protected..  The shell is very fragile, even though she is also very strong."

For my I Am Letting Go statement I drew:

 A prickly porcupine.  "I am letting go of my prickly porcupine hurt self that always looks back to the past for answers in the present or future."

Baby steps

In Yogjakarta a few weeks ago, we climbed this volcano called Mount Merapi http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Merapi .  Merapi means "fire" in Indonesian.  It was the steepest adventure I have ever been on!

I am new to this whole trekking thing.  My dad and I used to go to a National Park in Orange County when I was growing up, but I must have been about 8 or 9, and I seem to remember my dad carrying me if (and when) I got too tired.  So, after 20 years, H and I have been on 2 or 3 treks together, much to the SURPRISE of everyone I know (including myself to be honest).

During the climb, I had silent conversations about how I really cannot do this, and then sometimes not so silent "baby steps up the mountain", "put one foot in front of the other and you will get there before you know it", and "this will be so worth it once you reach the top".  H also encourages me which definitely helps. I think sometimes my face must say "get me outta here!".

It was a pretty exhausting time.   The entire journey was about 13 hours, but the walking was about 10.  We had to leave Yogjakarta at 10pm, and then we were driven to a house at the bottom of the volcano. We waited there until about 12.30am, and then we started walking up the volcano in the pitch black of night.  There were about 15 of us. We walked and walked, and it was so steep.  It was freezing cold, which we didn't think would be possible in 30 degree heat back in Jogja.

The hardest bit was at the top.  By then it was almost 6am, we had been climbing for about 5 hours, the volcano was at it's steepest and it was all lava rock, ash and there were tufts of hot sulpher coming out of crevices in the rock.  Slowly slowly, I made it up to the top.  I had a little bit of a cry - part victory celebration, part exhaustion, and then I just took in the view.  The sun was rising, and the view was spectacular!!

 Trekking always reminds me that there are many trials and tribulations in life, but you just have to put one foot in front of the other, and make it through. It is a good experiential lesson.

Kami at the bottom of Mt Merapi

The bat totem

I was just thinking about a strange experience I had on Tuesday, and it only dawned on me now that perhaps there was some animal symbolism to recognise. I was sitting outside with a woman from the foundation, and I looked up at the midday sky to see a bat flying in a straight line across the sky.

I thought it was strange, and I have thought about it a few times since. Today I have looked up the bat totem on the internet (I have my medicine cards at home and will check them tonight).
The bat symbolises:
- being highly sensitive to your surroundings
- considered a symbol of intuition, dreaming and vision
- "night-sight" which is the ability to see through illusion or ambiguity
- dive straight to the truth of matters.
- rebirth and depth because it is a creature that lives in the belly of the Mother (Earth)

I am happy to receive this totem, and I find it spot on. I am very aware of myself and my surroundings. As an example, today I was at a meeting with the community and noticed that every woman there had their legs, arms, necks and ears covered. I always wear pants, but I wear t-shirts, and so my forearms aren't covered, and I never wear a scarf so my neck and ears and head are uncovered. Maybe it sounds unimportant, but I am so acutely aware of being different, and not wanting to offend others or make others or myself uncomfortable.

Everyone here is very welcoming though, and it doesn't seem like they are offended by me. Also, this is an interesting time for Indonesia, as most young Indonesians learn English in school from a very young age, and they embrace the internet and "global culture". So you see westernisation happening here, as well as a strong commitment to Indonesian values. They are finding a balance.

Life Changing Attitudes (pg. 157)

It was raining the evening H and I got to Pariaman. We stayed at a hotel called Hotel Takzia that our friend E, who works in logistics at IBU foundation helped us find. She informed the owner's daughter that we are looking for a house or a room, and the woman there said we could stay in their family guest house for $1,000,000 rupiah a month.
Because we do not have an income, and a limited amount of savings, this amount is in budget, however, after waiting an extra 3 days (at $150,000 a day in the hotel) and then moving in, the owner's daughter told us that the rate would be $1,500,000 a month. We couldn't understand why the cost went up by 1/2 a million after the amount was agreed, and after a disagreement we moved out.
In hindsight, perhaps we were to hasty and should have just stayed put. But, equally, after continually getting charged three times as much as Indonesians, just because the colour of our skin, it gets to be very frustrating.
So now, the situation is that H and I are in another hotel, and we're paying about $1,500,000 a week. We have looked at rooms in other people's homes, and they have been absolutely awful. Our friend C from work is thankfully helping us to find a place, and we saw a new home that is about 15 minutes away from work and 20 minutes away from the local market. We'll probably move in there, but it means that we will also have to furnish the place, and we'll be further from work and town. The positives are that it is clean, and a new home, and it can be our first little home together.
After the first night of being "displaced persons", H and I opened to page 157, about "Four Life-Changing Attitudes... that hold the key to transforming the way we are presently experiencing our lives and lead to much greater happiness and peace of mind."
We went through the exercises and have book-marked the page so we can vibrate on the gratitude attitude level.

Your Best Future Self (pg. 38)

The other day in Jakarta, I wrote: "I get further and further from my other life. I'm not entirely sure of where I am, or where I am going. But, I've decided to just ride the wave and see where it leads me. My 'what ifs' are loud in my mind. But if I had taken some other paths, I would not be able to do all this with H. And that would be unfortunate."
I picked up mom's book, and opened to page 38, titled "Your Best Future Self". Really perfect, don't you think?
There is a visualisation exercise and an invitation to merge "who you are today into who you are destined to become".
The exercise was a perfect one for me, and at just the right moment, to remember that I am on my path, even if I can't necessarily define the path that I am on.

I still have a lot of hopes and dreams for myself, and a lot that I want to accomplish. I want a thriving acting career, and I want to help make this world better than when I arrived. I want to be a mother, and I look forward to the adventure that will bring. I want to live in New Zealand, but I want to see much more of my family and friends back in the states, and travel to Europe more often. I want a loving relationship with my partner. I want to feel more secure in myself, and able to be loving and energy giving. I want to forgive myself for being imperfect and making mistakes and being unkind sometimes. Life's a journey, right?

Beyond Intellect

My mom and I talk often. A few weeks ago, we were talking about her book, "Beyond Intellect: Journey Into the Wisdom of Your Intuitive Mind" and we were talking about how people use the book.

In her book, Susan (my mom) asks the reader to open the book to whatever location "speaks" to you. A lot of readers do this, and they have told my mom that they receive the information that they require.

I have decided to try this out more frequently, and write the experiences down. The past year has been all about unknowns. I quit my job at the end of 2009, I was doing business development for a professional services firm, but I wasn't liking what my effort was contributing to. After quitting, I had some time to myself. My passion is acting, and I thought perhaps this would give me the time to breathe and devote myself to my passion. Unfortunately, bills still had to be paid, and there aren't many acting jobs where I lived. I worked in a temporary job, which had great people, but was not engaging. At the end of July, my partner (at the time... more on that maybe) and I packed our stuff away into storage, and flew to Indonesia, where we are volunteering until January.

There will be many adventures, challenges, lessons, insights, laughs and knowing me, a few tears... and a wonderful way for me to put my mom's book to the test.

Arohanui,
Sara